Thursday, July 23, 2009

Extreme Makeover: Aquaman

Aquaman is the lamest superhero ever. His powers consist of breathing underwater and talking to sea animals while donning tasteless leather bodysuits. Since his birth in 1941, the character's only solid development occurred in 1994 when Arthur Curry lost his hand to piranhas and attached a prosthetic harpoon launcher to his wrist (Badass, right?).

He then proceeded to grow long hair and a beard. With his edgy yet eternally skintight Kris Kristofferson look, Curry finds Atlantis and starts to kick some ass. The franchise returned to basic shitty Aquaman soon after the turn of the twenty first century.

Oh yeah, did I mention that of all the animals Aquaman could have kicked it with in his sixty odd years underwater, he chose a seal for a pet sidekick?

Anyway, I've provided you fine people with some ideas for how to make this miserably flamboyant seaman superhero worthy.

Lemme Lemme Upgrade Ya

The Crystal Sword could collapse into a spinning propeller so that Aquaman 2.0 could jet around the reefs in style.

And when I say jellyfish cannon, I really mean a jelly-school launcher. Remember that crazy scene in "Sphere" when Queen Latifah gets owned?

Just in case you forgot:

Her best work, I must say.

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