Monday, July 13, 2009

The Big Suck

El mundo hasn't changed much since last week, but there's plenty to update in the entertainment world.

Before we enter the suck, let's take a moment to appreciate a wonderful new remix of those catchy boys from Berklee.

And down we go. Two of the major disappointments of the summer hit theaters and teles this past week:

1) "Bruno" sucked, and sucked, and then sucked some more. Yes, I laughed a few times, but we should seriously consider drawing a line at talking penises. There are simply some things that you will never be able to cleanse your mind of (especially after seeing it on the big screen), and this movie contained more of those moments than "Attack of the Clones."

Borat won audiences because his presence lived as such an obscure and harmless referential parody that we could healthily rejoice in our endless list of Kazakhstani-Fried Quotables. Bruno is such an extreme that it becomes uncomfortable to watch on multiple levels, as if we had to watch the nude wrestling scene from Borat for an hour and a half.

Borat was built out of a strange sort of foreign innocence that can still deliver upon repeat viewings by virtue of his disturbing revelations of American society. Bruno, on the other hand, spawns out of the opposite, and watching the latter for more than fifteen minutes is disturbing in and of itself. Whereas Borat forced us to come to terms with an ugly underbelly of American society, there is a sense that Bruno reverses the camera, revealing less about any segment of society than the willing patrons in attendance.

2) The premiere of the sixth season of "Entourage" was so bad it was like watching a summary of last season sans the shrooming scene (just in case you missed season five, nothing happened). Ari has officially transformed from slightly sympathetic to straight up sadistic, Lloyd isn't funny, and Turtle's smoking-pot-in-the-bathtub relationship with Meadow Soprano is just about as believable as my Sunday strip poker sessions with Megan Fox.

Perhaps the only redeeming quality of the show at this point is Emmanuelle Chriqui, a.k.a. Sloan, who is so hot that we forget she can't act, or that she finds Kevin Connolly's prepubescence worth babysitting. Note: we will never see them in action because the TV might just explode out of confusion. Same goes for Turtle-Meadow.

My favorite part of the premiere had to be the conclusion, because the show actually tried to make us feel sorry for Vince, who had just nailed Sloan's steamy blonde friend in his Escalade and had no one to talk about it with...

Will someone just Gatsby him already? And I'm not talking about Scorcese.

3) HBO's new series "Hung" is actually pretty interesting though unbelievable for a couple of reasons:

A) Lenore, played by Rebecca Creskoff, wonders if she could have her ass licked by the Punisher, which is fine, but she actually says, "Will he lick my ass?" at speaking volume in front of a full salon.

B) Look at this family. The parents, played by The Punisher a.k.a. Thomas Jane and Anne Heche are in the center, the kids are surrounding them. How do these two sex symbols (in different ways) produce such hideous offspring? It's just plain uncomfortable to watch these brats when they enter the screen.

C) Why does he hook up with her?

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